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Enough is Enough, Part 8

By Dr. David Clarke, Ph.D

The Big Idea

The possible reactions of the abuser to your list of requirements.

The Teaching

You and the kids have left your abuser.  From your new position of safety and independence, you have-through one of your support team members-given him a list of requirements he must fulfill if he wants you back.  Here are his(or her-abusers can be women, too)possible reactions to your list:  

#1:  He is outraged by your list and refuses to do any of your requirements.  Plenty of verbal abuse, threats, and nastiness.  No surprise.  No repentance.  No change. 

#2: He agrees to your list and starts to follow it, but quits.  He has no intention of actually changing and so suddenly, your list is absolutely unreasonable.  He feels attacked by it.  No repentance.  No change. 

#3: He tries to negotiate and alter your list.  He refuses to do some of your requirements, and he wants to change others.  The truth is, he won't do any of your requirements.  When you refuse to alter the list in any way(which is the correct response), he will blame you for being rigid.  No repentance.  No change. 

#4: He actually surprises you and faithfully accomplishes every point on your list.  He maintains a broken and repentant attitude throughout the process.  He is in the 5-8% of abusers who genuinely repent and work hard to change. 

These series of blogs are based on my new book, Enough is Enough:  How to Leave an Abusive Relationship.  To listen to my November 15, 2018 radio show with Janet Parshall on this topic, click here.

Next week, what to do if your abuser truly repents. 

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